Coming Out At 40!
by Cora Darlington
This article marks the start of my official coming out to the world.
Yes, it’s my coming out party, and you’re invited to celebrate with me. Maybe by the end you’ll be ready to come out too! It’s been quite a journey to get here. To be ready to say it out loud.
Here’s the thing though:
This is not a sexual coming out, it’s my SPIRITUAL COMING OUT!
I’ve realised that I cannot really step into my AUTHENTIC POWER if I’m hiding my truth in any way. And my truth is: I talk to God, Universe, Buddha, Divine Source, or whatever you want to call it!
I’m in daily contact with this incredible force that guides my every action (well most of them), and I’ve come to know through this connection that the ONLY thing that matters, the ONLY thing that makes sense, and the ONLY REAL goal worth having is to LOVE.
Now, I’m well aware of how ‘hippy trippy’ that sounds, but I also know in every cell of my body that when I choose LOVE over everything else (even being right), my life becomes more beautiful than I can express.
But, it wasn’t until my 40’s that I discovered this.
My 40th year was a BIG one for me, and it was most definitely better than 30!
Thirty had felt fairly BRUTAL, full of self-judgement, crippling comparisons between my life and the seemingly ‘together’ lives of others, and the constant presence of my familiar friend, FEAR. However, despite all this, I met a gorgeously patient and funny man, AFTER having a relationship that resembled something from a Jeremy Kyle episode (nothing like dating a crazy person to help you appreciate a good one), had THE MOST delicious baby girl and got married. I also had a good enough job, that earned me good enough money. Amen and Hallelujah!
Everything was just as it should be, and I couldn’t possibly ask for anything more…. could I?
Despite ALL of this, I approached my fortieth year feeling lost, anxious, powerless and disconnected. Worse still, I felt massively guilty. How could I still not be happy even with a lovely husband and beautiful little girl? What was wrong with me?
No matter how many times I sternly told myself to just ‘be grateful’ and ‘count my blessings’, I was still left with a dull, restless, and unfulfilled place in my soul that painfully informed me that something was indeed missing.
And so, my search began!
I had dabbled with self-development books before, driven by a need and desperation to make all pain, both past, and present, JUST GO AWAY! And to help me manage my ridiculous over reactions about EVERYTHING (I read every single ‘Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff’ book I could get my hands on).
Those early explorations into ‘Self-Help’ did give me some valuable tools to manage my ‘craziness’, and I did feel some sense of comfort. But, I still found myself wanting desperately to change who I was in the world. I still felt somehow lost. I didn’t feel enough, and it was painful.
But, one of the greatest gifts of pain is that it makes you ask questions, and my pain was making me ask myself the BIG SOUL questions like, ‘Who am I?’, ‘Why am I here?’, ‘What do I REALLY want?’ and the biggest one of all, ‘Will I need to have Botox?’
My mind was going crazy, I felt exhausted.
My solution: try Meditation! It had been on my radar for a while but I was seriously reluctant to turn into some type of religious nut, or Buddhist monk complete with orange dressing gown thingy and chiming prayer bells, so up until that point, I had purposely avoided it.
However, desperate times called for desperate measures AND I had heard that Oprah was doing it, so it had to be good, right?
When I first ‘attempted’ Meditation, I was in such a cycle of self-judgement and self-criticism that, what felt like my complete inability to sit still and stop thinking, made me feel even more useless and hopeless. It felt like just another thing I couldn’t do, and I very nearly gave up, but desperation for both myself and not wanting my little girl to have a ‘stressy’ mum compelled me to keep trying.
Each day I began to put aside a few minutes to just sit and listen.
I had no idea then, but that small space that I was creating for myself was not only the first time that I really began to honour and connect to myself, but it was to become a space that would change my life in ways that I couldn’t imagine.
As I committed to that space each day, slowly but surely, I began to feel a sense of calm and peace. Don’t get me wrong, my mind was still very busy, but I was beginning to feel a kind of stillness beneath the mind chatter and it felt stable, nourishing, and somehow loving to me.
I was very careful not to put a name to the connection I was experiencing, I’d had some experience of religion growing up and it had made me very wary of all things ‘God and Jesus like’.
Nonetheless, I was feeling connected to SOMETHING, and it was changing the way that I was showing up in my life.
I found myself going into my day more clear-headed and calm. I was over reacting to things much less. I began to feel more present, joyful and connected in my life. I was waking up.
Meditation became my therapy and I LOVED it.
One day while sitting in my quiet space I had an undeniable urge to directly ask that loving force ‘Ok, so what am I here for? What is my place in the world?’ I felt scared as I said it, but I also had a strong sense that I was being heard (either that or I was completely losing the plot), and I felt ready. For what I didn’t know, but I was ready!
Imagine my surprise when, during my Meditations, I began to get ideas! Actual ideas! I was feeling inspired and creative! Now, that might not seem like anything special to you, but at the time I had judged myself to be completely un-creative. Certainly not an ‘ideas person’.
I went with the flow and began to write down whatever was coming up for me (desperately hoping that no-one would ever see my journal and cart me off in a straitjacket).
Fast forward two years and that daily space, those seemingly random ideas and inspirations, that intuitive ‘going with the flow’, have led me where I am today. To a life and business filled with abundance, purpose, passion and, yes, I am going to say it out loud, SPIRITUALITY!
When I listen to that still loving voice, I’m guided to everything that I desire, and I feel that I am truly home.
I am, therefore, officially an agent for LOVE and SPIRITUAL CONNECTION, and it’s my mission, both in my life and my business to help others connect to their unique connection and expression of love in this world.
There is a light that shines so brightly and radiantly in all of us, and a voice calling you toward every single thing that your heart desires.
Can you hear it?
Will you come out too?
